My Email to a Friend Who Can’t Talk Politics With His Brother.

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From:  Harry

To: Joey Namechanged

Subj: RE: My brother is driving me nuts

Dear Joey,

That sounds rough.  And frustrating. Yes, I do have some advice, but first, I gotta tell you since I can’t sit down and ask you more questions first (I’m writing this on a plane between trips - my schedule is bananas), I worry that my advice might miss the mark. So, take these six points FWIW…

‍You can’t change his mind.
Or anyone else’s. People have to change their own minds. Every time. Has anyone ever changed your mind for you? No, you’ve always decided to change it yourself.

1. You don’t need to convince him of anything.
   Unless your brother has a direct line to the White House, his beliefs aren’t going to shape world events. You don’t have to persuade him, or even persuade him to be open to being persuaded!
   
2. You don’t need him to understand your point of view.
   Would it be nice? Yes. But hoping for that to happen is probably setting yourself up for disappointment.
   
3. Ask him lots of questions, with genuine curiosity, to better understand him.
   If you want, you can ask him about what he believes and why. You’ll probably find that he’s working from a different set of facts than you are. Since most of us are blinded by confirmation bias, even pulling out your phone to show him better data might not work. You could look things up together, but do it with humility: be open to the possibility that the data might show that he’s right.
   
4. If he’s open to it, read something together.
   Try an information source that shares multiple perspectives. AllSides or Tangle are good places to start. But many people don’t want to leave their echo chambers….
   
5. Your only job is to love him for who he is.
   Not for what he thinks. But for who he is. The fact that you're suffering over this leads me to believe that you care for him deeply. With family, that’s what matters most. Not to put too fine a point on it, but If he got seriously ill tomorrow, would you even think about your differing political opinions?
   

Again, I apologize if these ideas don't line up with the actual circumstances with your brother. I hope they are at least a tiny bit helpful.

Hang in there!

Harry

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Why am I sharing this?

First, to brag that even when I’m traveling, I keep a tidy inbox. (Ha! I wish!). More to the point, though: so many of us are feeling what my friend feels. The pain of distance inside our own families is an especially acute and unrelenting sort of pain. Finding common ground with strangers can be challenging, but finding it with the people we love can be excruciating.

Still, love is a bridge too. And it might be the most powerful one we’ve got.