Seven Tips to Tame the Tension

Here are seven tips and a list of curated resources to help you diffuse a tense dinner table dynamic and enjoy more productive (and flavorful) discussions.

Tip #1: Use "I" and Not "You"

From negotiation expert Alexandra Carter

‍“I train people to negotiate in high conflict situations all the time — whether it’s at the United Nations or within their own families. Over and over, I’ve found one thing to be true: you’re much more persuasive when you focus on yourself — your needs, your goals — than when you try to control the actions of others. The best way to set boundaries is to communicate them by using ‘I’ — not ‘you.’

For example, instead of saying, ‘You haven’t socially distanced, so I’m not coming,’ try: ‘I know you’d like to see me in person; I just don’t feel comfortable exposing everyone to the risk of getting sick.’

Or, you might be tempted to say, ‘Please leave your Facebook voter fraud rants off the table,’ but ‘I want to be clear that I won’t be engaging in talk about the election,’ sets a calm, clear tone and will be more effective.”

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Tip #2: Listen to Learn

From clinical and consulting psychologist David Nicholson‍

“If someone is really passionate about their causes, instead of debating them, why not listen? The more you listen, the more you’ll learn the emotions behind their views. Maybe you’ll find something to agree on. Maybe you’ll cordially agree to disagree. But neither conclusion is possible if you don’t listen.

Try listening from a standpoint of understanding — not from a point of debate.”

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From  N'dea Yancey-Bragg at USA Today‍

Families are predictable, and if you know your uncle is going to bring up something controversial, prepare for that conversation emotionally ahead of time, said Bill Doherty, professor of family social science at University of Minnesota.

Don't approach the conversation by trying to change a family member's mind about something, said Doherty, who co-founded Braver Angels, a nonprofit group that runs workshops, debates, and other events for people across the political spectrum.

"That's what we call the prime directive," he said. "Have instead a goal of understanding where the other person’s coming from, explain where you’re coming from and to see what comes out of that."

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Tip #3: Find Common Concerns

From Andrew J. Hoffman, Professor at the Ross School of Business and School of Environment and Sustainability, University of Michigan

‍“If there is an opportunity to build bridges, maybe the topics of common concern to start the conversation include: the need to invest in upgrading our highways, bridges and transportation infrastructure; the corrupting influence of money in politics and possibilities for campaign finance reform; the practice of influence peddling and the proposal for time limitations on when government officials can become lobbyists; programs to increase opportunities for upward mobility like making college education more affordable; or programs to help ease the burden that workers feel when they are displaced by technology, automation, globalization or policy shifts.

It may not be easy or pleasant at first, but it’s at least a start. And maybe you’ll be surprised.”

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